...I should say something. Anything at this time and place would be sufficient. I like to wait a few minutes to let the Tylenol kick in before I got bed when I'm hung-over.

...I didn't even really want to go after working another DlK. However, it was the most lax Saturday I have seen in a while. The Lt. was letting people go early left, right and center. I was let off at least 40 minutes early which is unheard of for me. I just had the rest of the staff who were off (Staci included) encouraging me to go to the pub. I had to do a triple espresso shot to be social. I really should have gone home and slept.  

A plate of alright onion rings and two beers later I was out of my mind. I think I might have drunk text Staci the fact I thought she "looked pretty tonight " Sober, it's true...I only say it when intoxicated.  Also realize Staci was sitting across from me when I did said drunk text.

No wonder I hate myself.  

I work at 1 again. Classic mid shift. That lovely bridge between the opening Shift leader and the closing Shift Leader. Those being Mark and Staci respectively with Lucas, Matt and myself bringing in the CSR support.

I'm expecting a very binary shift: Either it's going to be fantastic or horrid. No in-between and no grey area (ha, pause for self joke, pause over) just one or the other.

Fantastic.

 "Everyone knows about it. It's allover town. Everyone knows about it. Ride it 'out. Ride it 'round. It's just a carnival pony, can't even leave the ground..."

Thanks Steve. Thanks Deb. You guys put things into eloquent words when I simply cannot.  

I finished The Deathly Hallows last night....Pfff. I'll write more about how I felt about the final cop out when everyone else in the world has read it. I have about another week.

I also have about two weeks to save myself. Yeah, that's it.

Oh, Freedom Franny learned "Disembowel" today. It's funny to see her smack a villain up into a low ceiling. I'm also setting up an Unofficial Virtue handbook placeholder page until server transfer kicks in.

Done? (Sigh) Done.

14 days and counting.

-Cleric  

Yep. 21. The parentals joke they should take me to some random pub in Blaine so I can drink there. Yeah, no.

I took down my birthday from facebook to prevent random high school people I haven't talked to for 5 years randomly(as random people do) wish me a happy birthday. Of course, this means only a handful of people actually know....Saint, parentals...Pyro. Yeah, that's a handful.

I don't put much stock into my own birthday anyway.

I might be seeing Hairspray with Staci, Brit and Saint pending a few things.

1. I get a hold of Saint

2. I'm up before 5pm.

3. Saint and Britany can...."get along."  

I'll put my money on the first one.  

Mark, Staci, Britany and myself ended up seeing the Simpsons' Movie yesterday. It was fantastic.

I managed to grab a coffee with Staci before we left. These days I'm staying sober in front of her and enjoying the quiet moments as I get my ducks in a row for an attempt(oh, now it's an "attempt" at Operation Slow Pony....sorry, you never get a "quiet" moment with Staci unless you're watching The 4400...That's never a bad thing. I always feel a little better when she laughs.

Just a little.

With the next level of creative writing coming up in the fall, I hope to forge this into something fantastic.  

...maybe the family will be up. I think some birthday bacon is in order for this strapping 21 year old.

Done? Done.

-Cleric  

I have to centre myself...so title as we go.

If today (being Monday) is the 13th...then....

The 9th was Playland with Mark, Staci and Britany.

Eventful? Yes.

Fun? Sure. Half way through the day you realize the sour cream in your mum's famous potatoes might have actually been sour and that crazy beach party ride is not your friend. Spending ¾ of the day in a carnival toilet. Not fun.

 However, I did get to ride a merry-go-round and hum "Old Coyote" to myself.  Later that night was a work party that seemed like fun, if only slightly. I vowed never to drink for other people's enjoyment again.

Pass me a coffee or an iced tea and I'll be fine. Pass me a beer and I'll kill you....with sticks and knifes and guns, diplomacy and my bare hands!

No Staci, I will not feel how much softer your legs are compared to your arms. You do realize who you're asking, right? I'd be stupid to say yes or no. We all know how soft your skin is...you know, for someone who doesn't like to be touched...you do that way too often. Go figure.

10th was a cover shift for...I can't even remember anymore. I arrived a full hour early. 11th was more work with some of the best transactions I've ever had.  12th was uneventful at best and full of sleeping and eating.

I don't even care what today is going to bring.

Oh, it is the short hair. I ran into a girl I knew from high school way back in the day. My empathic memory states I found her really annoying but on Saturday there was a little inkling of "hey, she's kinda cute." I quickly put a stop to that. Note: she didn't have short hair in high school and doesn’t remember me from high school. Sweet.

I've figured out a few other things. I can "care" about someone so much that I hate myself for caring even though they can't/won't return the feeling. This is a possible explanation why I can "care" and hate at the same time.  

and if I wasn't me...and Staci wasn't Staci...I think it could work out, but since we're both who we are, it won't.

I'm also not signing up for a dating website like Saint suggests. That's a worse idea than trying to go with Dani again. I'm not a dater, I'm a relationshipper. That requires way more groundwork.

I thought about starting my first creative writing fiction this week, but like the last one, I'll leave it and think-tank it in one week solid.

Anything else? No. No. No. No. No. Oh, Pyro actually made me rent Madden 08 for him yesterday since my perks allow me to rent before street date.... (Sigh) he'll have to return it today and he'll buy it Tuesday! The bastard! No, I'm done.

-Cleric

I don't think of it as a favour to Matt...taking his shift later today. Sure, that what it is to the untrained eye, but it's also my first actual close with Staci. I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing. I do my job well and she does her job well. What's so wrong with that? Also, taking the shift of my own free will makes it easier than if I was assigned it. Simply put, I'm not running from...my "problems." Yeah, I still count it as a problem.

CoH News. Blizz is in unofficial retirement and now serving as administration for the Sabres of Chaos. If I find a good 50 team, I'll run a few mishs. Other than that I'll leave it to three character:

Freedom Franny: The Broadsword/Regeneration scrapper. A WWII super solider in a homage to Captain America. Looks like Amy Acker. Lvl 31 and near unbeatable.

The HotShotKid: The Trick Arrow Defender. A 16(almost 17) Rent-a-Sidekick dealing with all the problems of a hero/sidekick and a teenage girl. Lvl 43 and stalled in the Rikti War Zone.

EnGen-X: The Energy Blast/Devices Blaster. A 17(almost 18) Blaster I've retooled from another design. After his powersuit exploded leaving him scarred on the right side of his face, John Park discovers he can manipulate energy beams without the suit. Carries other tactical devices to aid him like web grenades and a targeting drone that relies data to his artificial right eye. Also, is secretly in love with The HotShotKid.

I'm also writing up a new Supergroup to go with these guys. Members include(most are hypothetical and haven't been played yet):

Rad Lad: Grandson of two WWII Super soldiers, he combines their powers(electricity blasts and radiation emission) Joins up with Freedom Franny in the new Team Infinite Victory.

The Goth Guard: Rad Lad's girlfriend who also has control of the "NecroComiCon", an ancient and evil graphic novel allowing her to bend the darkness to her will.

Tympest: A former 5th Column Experiment who gained a soul and wants to repent. Fire/Super Strength tanker. Talks in a strong German accent.

DarkSteele(Pause for bad name groan): Ready? Anastasia "Stacey" Steel(yes, Stacey Steele sounds like a porn name) was a Paragon cop struck down in the line of duty by Banished Pantheons(can't ALL be CoT origins, can it?) Due to the nature of her death, a PPD Mage was able to bring her back to life. Now she wields a katana and can manipulate her internal darkness to protect her.

I should be shot for making DarkSteele. Expect a re roll for a better name and whenever dual knives come out as a scrapper powerset.

Agent Finch: Former SED Agent with a pryokinetic manipulator installed in his robotic left arm. Uses a really big gun like most SED agents. Again, like most SED agents is cocky. Flirts with DarkSteele and she hates him. He loves it.

ProtoStar(pause for bad name groan): I haven't gotten this far. Sometype of alien being who can control the energy of stars. Gravity and Force Field Controller. I just wanted to make a Grav/FF controller. Maybe Gravity/Kinetics.

Needless to say, this is lame. I am lame. I should go away. Forever.

Done and Done.

-Cleric

Um. I might need another scale of measurement, but considering Staci and I had a shift from hell...I'd like to assume I can handle closing with her. We dealt with the hell readily and Staci talked me out of quitting several times...stating the new "Cleric can't quit on days that end in "Y"" policy....which is an extention of the Lt's policy of "Cleric Can't quit on Saturdays."

I always told myself if I have a bad shift and feel the same way the morning after, I'll quit. Luckily once the hell ended...I felt better. Come on, I just got paid to hang with one of the people I care about. What's better than that?...well, no annoying customers is better...but those come with the job and it will never get better going into my chosen career path. Cops don't deal with the nicest people on a daily basis...and if you're a solider...you get to shoot a large percentage of the people you have to deal with. Either way, I'm comfortable with that.

Staci decided that we needed food after said shift from hell. She called up Mark and we all ended up hitting a 24hour drive through for some fatty foods and root beer. They also had me set up to watch *shudder* Babylon 5. Which is ok...minus the terrible terrible dialog.  I still can't believe we blew through TWO 1.5 hour movies. I got home roughly half an hour ago.

The two are up for more BFive today and said I could join, but my writing gland is hurting. Anymore I think it might explode.

Anything else? Nope. I just have to see what the rest of today is going to bring me.

-Cleric

No Title...no time.  

I just need to get something out before I destroy several million braincells playing CoH. I need to drop a mission with Franny, get HSK "Aim" and see if EnGen-X can get on a team where at least TWO teammates have veteran badges.

Today was my second worst nightmare. Having to deal with The Beast without the support of Staci and/or Britany. Staci support is purely moral, since she has no idea about the conflict. Britany's support is definitely more logistics and cunning. However, she was at another store. I found this out when I had to call the other store.

My worst nightmare is too unspeakable, however it involves decaf americanos and Ferris Wheels.

I'm only going to say this once.

I can't wait to go back to school.

It will give me an excuse not to hang out with my work-friends* and drink. However, that irish pub we all go to is too close to school for comfort. I hope the next psych and/or crim department mixer is there. I want to buy Froc a pint.

Maybe I'm just depressed, but I can't work with Staci anymore. I hope it will pass because it's been a while where I've had a shift without Staci. The last one probably was one of her shifts I covered in her CSR days. Give me a couple days and a creative writing class to sort it out.

1110 didn't get anything out...but whatever the next level is known as officially(I'll check it later) will get some things out. The Lust for a Co worker who is Distance/Higher Rank**. Being Undatible(Now spelled with an 'i') and Being a Human Panda***. Too bad the entire Creative writing department frowns on Science Fiction(My Star Wars related screenplay doesn't count) for Superheroes are definitely science fiction. Most of what I've prepped is superhero related, but since I write such...um..."realistic " science fiction these can be easily changed.

Footnotes:

*this also helps me distance myself when I quit. Now it's officially "When." **In "reallife" this is rarely a problem and do it all the time, but in a Firm Cell...it means alot...oh and Staci fears intimacy. I can't even bring up her platonic white knight speech without wanted to cry.  

After getting the free audiobook version of John Hodgman's Areas of my Expertise(filled with Johnathan Coulton Music) I fell inlove with the whole piece. Sad to say no one else I know gets it because they assume it's all real. So Staci actually believed for a while the nickname of Alaska was the Land of Mustaches. I bought the paperback yesterday which contains 100 more hobo names and actually mentions those annoying people who wrote in and pointed out mistakes. Something Hodgman advised against in the book. Those sad, sad people. 

I'm done. I have to drown myself in CoH and get ready for my 8 hour closing raining saturday shift.

If I don't write for a few days after this one, you'll know I have killed myself in The Pit with a garbage bag which will leave management with a disgusting amount of paperwork to fill out.

Done.

-Cleric  

Love vs. Loving so much you hate. The emotionally unstable pining for the emotionally unavailable. Welcome to the chaos.

Usually I can deal with chaos but not internal emotional chaos. I think I need to become numb again. Doctor's on Tuesday.

Needless to say...23 hours and fifteen minutes at work in one week is too much for me at this stage. That's ...45 minutes short of Shift Leader minimum. It would have been half an hour short, but the close with the Lt was so efficient on Saturday we bugged out early.

If work calls me in this week, it must be life and death. Not X is too sick/hung-over/tired/emotionally unavailable.  

Come to think of it...no one has called me to cover for the emotionally unavailable...but it would be a nice thought.

Also...you can't call me in to cover a 7-11 if I'm working the standard 6:30 to 11:30. I mean as much as I try I can't occupy two different temporal spaces simultaneously. Staci probably could, but it would tax her powers immensely and we certainly can’t have that.

I'll need school to shift priorities away from work and that cast of crazies I call coworkers. New people are needed in my tight circle.

Done.

I have to go kill brain cells now.

-Cleric 

Well, I guess it will take me a few more days to recover from last week's work fiasco. I won't even record today's chaos in the hopes I will someday forget it.

Needless to say...Taking shifts doesn't make me feel better. Not taking shifts doesn't make me feel better.

I have to say, when I am feeling...a little down. Seeing Staci does make me feel well...a little better. That's all I say on that one. Also, buying the special collectors edition of Serenity makes me feel a little better too.

Also, yesterday didn't make those nagging doubts about my abilities as an employee go away either. Dammit.

I hate myself and love someone who can't love anyone.

Wow.  

That sounds really bad. I also have to redefine it...fear of intimacy and being unable to love are not the same thing. 

I'll work on that too.

Done and Done.

-Cleric