No, I'm not emo. At least not anymore. I don't have the wardrobe to back that label up. I'm just full of angst. The onset of depression is anywhere from 20 to 25 so I'm in range. Don't ask me what the high school stuff was. Probably just being a raging hormonal teenager.

My therapist is a psychiatrist and we played 20+ Questions on Tuesday night. Apparently the walls are paper thin in his office and my mum, who waited for a while said she could hear me talking, but couldn't make out what I said except for "I don't smoke." Not the sorted detail she wanted, but it was something.

It is the last week of classes but I don't really care. I have other things to worry about.  Creative writing was alright considering I might fail the course the way I'm going. We still had fun in the final class reading out Lorne's screenplay with four of us playing at least a few dozen roles. I think there was one page where I was three people including a redneck. Good times. Today was the last Forensic Psych class with a 20 multiple choice question test worth 20 percent. I finished in ten minutes and was the third one done. Corrections? Meh. I think tomorrow is the last one which I may or may not attend.

I'll step back to my Sunday night full of rage, lust, stress and shared misery. While we played Rockband at Brett's House Saturday night Staci and I agreed we'd go shopping for a couple things at the nearby Future Shop. Since she lost her phone that night before, I couldn't get a hold of her when I arrived at the bus stop and waited half an hour. You have to realize it was snowing pretty badly that night and us Westcoasters don't deal with the stuff as well as our neighbors to the East. So there I am, damp and miserable waiting for the girl in a snowy bus loop. I decided to make base camp at the Future Shop incase she had beaten me there. I ended up getting a called relayed through The Firm that Staci was in the nearby Safeway and had arrived five minutes ago. She only had a single quarter with her and my number isn't one she has memorized. So there we were in a faux Starbucks inside a Safeway sharing our misery with hot chocolates because we assumed a faux Starbucks can't mess up a hot chocolate. Though, it's hard to mess up an Americano with it being only water and espresso but you'd be surprised. So we did what we had to do and came back to The Firm as a rally point for other events that night. Since I had the creative writing portfolio due in no less that six hours, I could not hang out. I said my goodbyes and we split ways.

I was shell-shocked for the rest of the night, leaving all three pieces of winter gear somewhere. My scarf was left in the Real Starbucks. My toque and gloves fell out of my pocket on the way home. I retrieved the toque sopping wet the next day on my way to class. I only found one glove. My scarf, was given back to me by Staci who got it back from the Manager of the Real Starbucks who recognized the item as mine. It proves how often I'm in there...

I only really cared about the scarf. Saint gave that to me a couple Christmases ago. It just seems to mean so much more now. My scarf is love. Oh, as Staci and I were leaving Safeway I noted she wasn't wearing her scarf. She informed me she had used it to dry her hair. I began to adjust my own scarf higher on my neck and Staci said "I don't need your scarf" thinking I was going to offer it to her. I should have in the end, but that wasn't my intent.

I also have to say. The moment I submitted my final portfolio I found numerous typos and came up with at least twenty ideas for better scenes and/or better projects altogether. That is the way of things.

This might go down as one of the worst years of my life. I can say that so far. There will be worse ones. There always are. I've felt like crap for the entire year and it recently reached a point where I had to go back on the medication I hate so much to stay level. Level! Not even better, just level.

This is the way of things.  

Next week is nothing. And my Xbox is Three Ring Dead.

That's the most depressing thing of all.

-Cleric

"I love your loneliness."

I've been watching alot more Tv lately with my Xbox/DVD player out.

The Wilkinson's are covering "Fast Car" on CMT right and it makes me think of my "Home" Rockband with is Me on Guitar/Bass/Vocals, Pyro on drums and Saint as the front"person" and Vocals. I play session guitar/bass/vocals with other people's band as needed.  

(Sigh) Children of the Gods prt 1 is on Space right now...Man, no one liked each other in the first episode. O'Neil hated Carter, Hammond and Jackson...and throughout the 9 seasons they all came other as a unit.  

Ewww. Joe Flanigan on CSI Miami. So conflicted. I'm still watching it. Most Stargate people will play evil character when they're off Stargate, especially CSIs. Michael Shanks and Ben Browder both have killed people on CSI.

 Still hazy, but class is done...for another year...I have to get the paperwork done to save my soul and my sanity.

Done? Done.  

Ha, at least I'll definitely remember this year's Christmas party for a few reasons:

1. Didn't drink. But I had plenty of coffee.

3 Americanos during the course of the day and at least four cups while I was there. I actually made them bring out coffee during dinner. I was told the party would be dry and I wondered if it was because of me last year. Apparently it wasn't as dry as we had thought. It also wasn't at the same ghetto hotel, instead at a very nice golf course.

2. Staci looked fantastic(Dress + new haircut rating a 3 on the NPV scale)

She'll never know I thought this though. I'm not permitted to say things like that anymore. I'm suppose to be over her within the official circles of things. Matt D has said I'm full in shit in that respect and oh I am. We always seem to bring it up during the Christmas party. I hope it doesn't become a tradition.

3. Former The Firm member, now current stripper in stripper style dress...She wore it as a "joke."

...What? Seriously? No. I don't believe you. She must of been at least 5'11 if not a full six feet, mostly leg...in heels. While I'm not the type of guy to gawk at such a sight, I'm still a guy and genetically predisposed to go "Damn!" Man, I knew I should have worked at Surrey Place more.

I also sat at the couples table with 2 couples from my store and the Lt. Col. with his fiancée. Just call me *Cleric* "The Third Wheel" *real last name*  

I hate being underdressed for events. I came under dressed last year, arriving in at level three while I should have been at four. Dressed at level four* this year to compensate. Though, the Sarge wore runners and jeans. At least the Lt. and the Lt. Col. wore suits. I wore the "Made Man" look tonight. The Sarge asked if I had been killing people earlier in the day. I sighed and said no, I needed a red tie for that. I should have worn my red one. Then I could point guns at people and shout "She saved your life!" Staci thought that was hilarious by the way.

And as much as some people would like, I don't dance. Three things I don't do: Date(well, I'm not very good at it), Tan(I never tan willingly) or Dance in public. Even Lucas' girlfriend attempted to manhandle me on the dance floor didn't work.  I locked in with pigeon toes firm. I was puppeted around for a bit, but it got boring soon. Don't ask me why she wanted me to dance. Considering it was all the Girls from Penn Village and Britany actually dancing. Oh, and "Legs." Never got her real name. Perhaps I should have.

I haven't written much in the past week. I've typed up a couple entries but never submitted them for various reasons. There are things I should be talking about. The fact the drugs have gotten me somewhat level. I have another appointment on Monday for some type of follow up. I don't really know what we can do. I don't respond so well to cognitive behavior therapy. I just out think myself and we're back to square one.

Since Laura quit to take a soft hostess job, we've all been picking up shifts. Meaning I'm back to my usual holiday hours at 16 this weekend with a couple next week with the possibility of working Christmas Eve. I'm going to miss her since she was my training partner. We agreed to get our stuff back. She has my Mayer CDs ever since she saw him in April and I have her copy of OoTp since...Elizabeth...Laura assumed she lost it.

With Brit being promoted to Sarge of another unit, it leaves us with very few girls. Technically two. In more formal terms: one. I consider Staci a girl, but others...not so much. Of course, it's me. Sometimes Staci doesn't even consider herself a girl. Her exact words were something like she's 30% girl based on genetics. I can't hold her to that math since it was figured out with a similar formula that lead to me being 16.3 repeating % Gay. Most of that percentage is made up by musicals...which I blame my parents for.

I don't remember who told me Lust is the worst Sin. Could have been Lorne, but it's true. Lust wrecks a lot of things. I lust for Staci. I could "love" if I wasn't so messed up. I could love if she wasn't so messed up. I settle for being messed up together over coffee. At least it makes for ok writing. Zoë like that story, didn't like the cop one....Oh well. Can't win em' all. The next level of the course is effectively the exact same thing.

Probably with a similar textbook.

Oh, Saint is alive by the way. I had to run though a few other sources since her cell phone is down for some reason. SaintOne Protocol had to be brought in...We should have some signal that involves a dead drop. I don't get to do enough of those.

I'll probably call the Xbox people in the morning see if I can't get a new Xbox before Rockband comes out. It's sad. I'll buy Rockband on the day it comes out, but I won't be able to play it. (sigh)

Anything else? Nope. I think I need to expel some protein though. For a bunch of reasons.

Done? Done.

-Cleric  

Levels of Dress 

1. Jeans-T shirt etc. Casual
2. Blazer, collared shirt, jeans: Casual Formal
3. Blazer optional, collared shirt, khakis/Suit without tie: Semi Formal
4. Full Suit with Tie: Formal
5. Tux: High Formal

I’ve been working on mixed levels with Ties, collared shirts and sweaters. Can you believe this system came out of that date with Elizabeth when we had dinner with her parents on the beach and I dressed at level 3 for a level 1 event? Laura caught on with the system. We’d just go, “I’m going 3…”